Thursday, June 22, 1944

I have a load of people from the camp who came today to help in the fields. This was the best time to get more supplies from La Junta. The camp people have been a big help especially as the harvest season nears.

The harvest since the war started had been very fruitful and the return the best since. The demand had surpassed my expectations, sometimes more than what the farms can even produce here in a season. Like payment for what was lost, I can’t help but feel that this is the price of losing Daniel to the war. It’s a tough exchange. I still lay awake at night thinking if I had just not agreed to his plan, he would still be here, running the farm. He would have had a future ahead of him, and a better chance to have the best of both worlds.

Then while I was driving to town, I wondered what Daniel would have done with Rev. Case’s proposal. I laughed it off, I think he wouldn’t even have to be in such a situation for he would have been easily married by now.

I came home today feeling the loneliness of the house. It was a bit disturbing that this didn’t bother me at all before, even after all the deaths in the family. I had welcomed the tranquility and the emptiness of it all. It had mirrored and sympathized with what I felt inside. Today the silence was deafening.

All day I kept myself busy and have welcomed all the work that was waiting for me at the farm and had looked forward to my outing into town. I have accomplished so much today at the farm, even seeking out the foreman who worked my fields so we can plan at which part of the fields they’ll have to work on for the next couple of weeks. Keeping busy means less dwelling or thinking about Rev. Case and the girl from Denver – what was her name?

The minute I stepped into the house Martha’s words echoed in my head. I wanted to disprove her claim that I don’t leave the farm even if I knew she meant this not in the literal sense. It troubled me that it took this to make me realize what my life has become. How can I have settled into a solitary life?